


we're not so different, you and i

by swangirlwrites (shereadsshewrites)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 08:53:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16991904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shereadsshewrites/pseuds/swangirlwrites
Summary: It's two months, three weeks, and four days since the Battle of Crait, and Rey is no longer seen as the hero. She's dangerous and unpredictable, and she can't seem to learn how to control the Force no matter how hard she tries. She needs someone to show her her place in all this.Maybe someone will.





	we're not so different, you and i

Rey piddles with some spare droid parts, gnawing on her already raw lip until she tastes fresh blood. She has developed quite a habit of this; it reminds her that she is indeed a living, breathing person, despite the bottomless pit of numbness that fills her. Succumbing to this dullness is the only way she can stand to go on, to fake genuine smiles and conversations with her crew mates. At first, she had let herself be angry. That was the only emotion crawling over every fiber of her being when she closed the door of the Millennium Falcon, all the while defiantly staring into Ben—no, Kylo Ren’s— eyes. Even after that, as she cheered along with what was left of the Resistance, fiery rage and hatred continued to surge through her veins. It wasn’t until everyone on the ship was long passed out from their drunken celebrations she let herself feel the hurt that had slowly encompassed around her heart since the night’s earlier battle. It had all felt so _right_ , fighting side by side, until it all felt so _wrong_. When he asked her to join him, her heart sank as it use to each day her parents didn’t return for her back on Jakku. _He_ had done this to her, he had brought back this familiar pain of betrayal. It was so terribly foolish of her to think that a vindictive murderer like Kylo Ren could be redeemed. He very well proved that when he followed her to Crait and threw his temper tantrum. A gush of nausea ripples through Rey as she remembers her hopes falling at his request to leave everything and everyone behind. _Don’t do this Ben_ , she had pleaded, but it was too late. She was too late, and all too wrong. He hadn’t killed Snoke to save her because he liked her, or because he thought of her as a friend—no, he had done so because he wanted to use her. He wanted to take advantage of her power to murder her friends, to take over the galaxy. It was all too clear, even from the beginning, now when she thinks about it. He had wanted to teach her so that he could infiltrate the light which flowed so freely within her. He has wrongly assumed that because she is _nothing_ , she will be too easily capitulated towards the Dark Side. He is mistaken.

 

She closes her eyes as she goes back to her last night on Ahch-To, when he told her she wasn’t alone. She had actually believed him because of the desperation that laced his voice so poignantly. At the time, she assumed that notion was because he was also craving someone who understood the loneliness. She thought she had finally found someone who understood her as well, and even as she searched his feelings she could have sworn he was being genuine. Alas, that was not the case. He simply was desperate for power, not a friend.

 

Rey shakes her head, pushing the memories back down in refusal to summon that anger and pain. She feels the tendrils of the Darkness creeping within the very depths of her soul every time she recounts those memories, and without Luke it is becoming increasingly harder to fight the temptation off. Another stab of pain emanates through as she recalls Luke’s rejection not two weeks ago.

 

Immediately following the battle of Crait, the small number of surviving Resistance members headed to Endor. Everyone praised Rey and looked to her with awe after seeing her lift the massive rocks. Leia informed the others shortly after setting course that Luke was now dead, and Rey was the last Jedi. _Their last hope,_ she had thought bitterly, _but it was suppose to be Ben Solo, not me_. In the weeks following their victory, Rey tried desperately to study the ancient Jedi texts she had stolen from Ahch-To, even enlisting C3PO to help her decipher the foreign languages. She attempted meditation exercises that were suppose to help her center herself within the Light Side of the Force, but they almost always ended in complete failure. Each time she tried, her powers seemingly grew stronger, and more uncontrollable.

 

Luke appeared to her as a Force Ghost for the first time one evening after she accidentally spread a small fire within their camp during one of her failed meditation exercises. Her frustration and lack of control, as he later explained, combined with her immense force sensitivity, caused her to unknowingly lash out at her surroundings while in that state. He told her he would try to help her, to the best of his ability, and for the next several weeks they trained extensively. She often requested to take a break from meditation exercises, but Luke insisted that it would be impossible for her to repair and train with the lightsaber until she could control her own powers. Rey didn’t want to trust him, and if she was completely honest with herself she would admit she never fully did—not after learning what he did to create Kylo Ren.

 

As time went on, she was still unable to gain any sort of control over the Force, no matter how much she thought she understood what Luke was teaching. On occasion she would be able to stay centered in the Light Side for a few minutes, but anytime they repeated the first exercise she learned on Ahch-To, Luke would shake his head and disappear for the next few hours. She always went straight to the dark. Always.

 

The last time Rey saw Luke, she nearly destroyed the entirety of the Resistance—on accident of course.

 

But she doesn’t want to think about _that_ right now.

 

Now practically everyone in the Resistance feared her almost as much as they did the newly appointed Supreme Leader. Poe still thought it was cool that she could lift rocks, but avoided her when others were present. Rose was sympathetic, but trusted Finn, who trusted Rey. Still, even he was slightly wary around her nowadays. After all, she _was_ pretty unpredictable.

 

The only person who has yet to treat her any differently was General Leia, or just Leia, as she insisted Rey call her. After the events of that night, she was the only one genuinely concerned about Rey, and asked for her side of the story before listening to anyone else’s. They had since relocated to a different area of the planet, and were surprisingly able to seek shelter in an old Rebel base Leia didn’t even know existed. By popular demand, Rey was stationed in a sector far away from the other Resistance members, although it was at least close to Leia’s quarters.

 

 

Rey closed her eyes and took deep breath before continuing on to the task at hand. The more she continues to linger on the matter, the more hate and darkness she allows inside her heart, the easier it will be for Kylo Ren to turn her. _I won’t allow it to happen_ , she thinks to herself, _though it is unquestionable that he will try again_. She isn’t completely ignorant towards the fact she is a very powerful Force user, and one that he most certainly isn’t going to let roam about freely. It’s inevitable that they will one day meet again on the battlefield. Next time, Jedi Code and honor be damned, she will show Kylo Ren no mercy. Though she has bested him on two previous occasions, she is not unconscious of the fact that he’s had many more years of both formal Jedi training and teachings of the Dark Side. So, she trains. She wakes up early to run. She practices self-taught saber techniques with an old rod of some sort, as well as her staff—though she would much prefer to use the Skywalker lightsaber once she learns how to repair it. She meditates. She eats her breakfast with Finn, Poe, and Rose. She works repairs on ships and droids until the sun sets and its dinnertime. She trains some more. She sleeps, and the cycle repeats. Rey has been doing this exact routine ever since they left Crait and moved toEndor—two months, three weeks, and four days. Not that she is keeping up. That also happens to be the amount of time that’s passed since she saw Ben through the Force Bond. Again, not that she is keeping up.

 

“Rey?” A voice suddenly sounds, breaking her thoughts. She quickly looks to find General Leia standing behind her, a gentle smile on her face. In the weeks that followed the events of Crait, she had quickly become the mother figure Rey so desperately craved for most of her life. Rey found herself opening up to Leia on multiple occasions about her time on Jakku. She spoke of sleepless nights in the abandoned AT-AT she called home, and of weeks on end where she would go without more than a quarter ration per to survive. On one particular evening Rey had mentioned how she use to wish she had siblings, often imagining her ragged doll was her baby sister who she would help rock to sleep. Leia had responded that Ben repeatedly asked for a little brother or sister when he was very young. Rey immediately tensed up at the mentioning of his name, to which Leia abruptly changed the subject. She clearly sensed that something happened between Rey and Ben, though she respected Rey enough to not press, much to Rey’s relief. Since then, they had an unspoken agreement that he would never be the topic of conversation. They only ever addressed him as Supreme Leader Kylo Ren during the weekly briefings and strategy meetings. Rey is sure that if she could ever make herself talk about him Leia would be more than willing to discuss her son. She feels guilty about her reservation towards him, as she’s almost certain Leia is dying to talk to someone about him. It would only be fair, considering the hours Leia has spent listening to Rey, but she isn’t ready to open that door yet.

 

“Hello,” Rey responds, returning the smile and looking up from her tools.

 

“I have good news, the Naboo are willing to discuss an alliance with us. The Queen hasinvited me to stay at her palace for the week, while we discuss the technicalities of the agreement.”

 

“That’s wonderful!” She exclaims. “But I thought the Naboo preferred to stay out of such affairs?” Leia had been spending a considerable amount of time catching Rey up to speed on the history of the galaxy, and the one of the first things she learned was that Naboo is known to be one of the most peaceful and neutral planets.

 

“News of Crait has found them, and Queen Adara reached out to me to let me know that they are ready to help. I have connections with them that go way back—my late mother was their queen at one point in time.”

 

Ah, yes, the famous Padmé Amidala. She’s heard many different variations of the tragic love story, but in all of them Padmé is referred to as one of the greatest queens and senators of all time.

 

“I’d like for you to accompany me.” Leia continues.

 

Rey’s eyes widen in surprise. “Me?” She exclaims disbelievingly, “Why not Poe? Or someone else much more suited to charming their way through political affairs?”

“Commander Dameron’s charms are precisely why I do not want him tagging along. There’s a fair chance that I wouldn’t be able to get a word in edgewise with Queen Adara if he did.” Leia chuckles, “Also, she specifically requested that I bring the famous Jedi who killed Snoke.”

 

Of course, because Rey had killed Snoke. Except, she hadn’t, but that was what Kylo Ren had told the rest of the galaxy and she couldn’t exactly tell them the truth without explaining everything else. Plus, it gave her a good excuse as to why she was aboard _The Supremacy_ before it was split. Leia had seemed to gather that whatever happened between her and Kylo involved Snoke’s death, and she kindly shooed away the Resistance members whenever they pestered Rey for details.

 

“It would greatly help our cause if you would join me,” she presses, “Naboo is a beautiful planet. I won’t lie, the attention and, um, required attirewould be out of your comfort zone, but I think a little time away would do you some good.”

 

Rey gulps. “The others won’t be too happy to hear that you’re choosing to bring me along,” she mutters bitterly.

 

“Doesn’t matter,” Leia shrugs, her eyes laced with both sympathy and understanding, “I’m the General.”

 

——

The thirty some odd members of the Resistance are all gathered in one of the larger assembly rooms within the old base. Rey is nestled into a convenient corner farthest away from the rest of the crew, but she spots Finn and Rose conversing with the others in the front of the small crowd. A pang of sadness hits her as she longs to join in on the conversation. _Best they not be isolated from the others as well,_ she thinks. Despite the fact that she’s surrounded by people, and has found comfort in her friendship with Leia and the others, Rey decides that she’s never felt more alone in her entire life. She isn’t lonely, she realizes, but she still feels hopelessly alone, and wonders if it is too much to hope that she might one day be able to find her place in all this.

 

The General enters the room, followed by Poe, and the room instantly quietens.

 

“Fellow Resistance members,” she starts after clearing her throat, “I have brilliant news to share with you all. It is no secret that there’s only a matter of time before the First Order finds us. I’ve been trying to connect with former allies, though many of my closest ones were destroyed after the events of Starkiller.”

 

She takes a moment to pause, and unspoken agreement to have a moment of silence for their lost friends.

 

“However, as many of you most likely already know, Padmé Amidala, the former Queen and Senator of Naboo, is my late mother. While I have always been very close with the people of their government, they have always diligently remained neutral in the war. That is, until now.”

 

Several excited whispers ripple throughout the room, and Leia simply raises her hand to silence them before continuing.

 

“News of the Battle of Crait has reached Queen Adara, and she has sent correspondence that her and her people are ready to help. Per her request, I will be leaving at sunrise tomorrow morning to meet with her and discuss technicalities.” She pauses, allowing the information to set in before dropping the bomb, “Rey will be attending this meeting with me.”

 

The room instantly erupts into several harsh protests, a mixture of questions regarding the General’s safety, who will be left in charge, if it would not be wiser for someone else to accompany her, and accusations regarding if the last Jedi could be trusted or not.

 

Though she has yet to be spotted, tears well up in Rey’s eyes and she shuts them tightly in effort to will them away. It isn’t her fault she can't control the Force yet. Back during the Old Jedi Order, children started learningshortly after they started to walk, and Rey had only discovered she possesses the power a few short months ago.

 

“Silence!” The General shouts, and the noise instantly ceases to continue. “Have you all forgotten who is was that rescued us on Crait? If it weren’t for Rey, there would not be a Resistance to fight for today. And don’t disregard my choice to serve the war instead of the Force as a decision that makes me weaker—though I may not have trained as a Jedi as my late brother, I am not helpless. I require no protection from our last Jedi, and I beg to differ that any of you have the slightest of clue as to what she is dealing with more so than I.”

 

Leia serves a hard glare to each person in the room, though a few small mumbles of objection still remain.

 

“Commander Dameron will be in charge while we are away. We should be back by the end of the week, and I will stay in touch throughout our mission. I am leaving him with strict orders as to what each of you need to work on for the rest of the week, and I expect nothing but full cooperation. Hopefully, this time next week we will be journeying to a new base and taking steps to fight the First Order once again. Are we understood?”

 

——

“ _You_? In a _palace_?” Finn shouts disbelievingly after they all pile into Leia’s bedroom. It was no secret around the camp that Rey was far from ladylike. She isn’t by any means disgusting, but her time on Jakku bred her to be rather low maintenance, only ever doing the bare minimum to her appearance.

 

“Thanks a lot, Finn. You confidence is really encouraging.” Rey grumbles, causing Finn to shrink back.

 

“Sorry…I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just you’re so…hard core and intense sometimes, not to mention pretty badass. It’s a little weird to imagine you parading about in a dress.”

 

“Need I remind you that I am the former Princess of Aldeeran?” Leia interjects. “Do you mean to tell me that I’m any less _badass_ for that?”

 

Rey gives a grateful smile to the general as Finn mumbles an apology.

 

“General,” Poe starts, “If the Queen has any reservations, surely _I_ could sway her to our side.” He winks at Leia, to which she rolls her eyes in response.

 

“Commander Dameron, I assure you that your _skills_ will be put to much better use here at the base than on Naboo.”

 

“Everything will be fine, Rey. I’m sure your very presence will quickly whoo the Queen over.” Finn smiles encouragingly, though she knows he’s still skeptical. Whether it’s out of concern for Leia’s safety or Rey’s ability to go out of her comfort zone, she doesn’t know.

 

“I mean for kriff’s sake, you killed Snoke. That’s gotta count for something!”

 

Rey clenches her teeth and doesn’t respond. Finn has begged her on countless occasions to give the details of Snoke’s downfall, but she always replies that she isn’t ready to talk about it.

 

“What about Kylo Ren? You know the First Order has spies everywhere, not to mention the fact that he’s got a bounty for the Millennium Falcon.” Poe argues, “Rey, do you really think you are prepared to go against him again? He won’t come alone, and he’s certainly looking for revenge.”

 

“Pff,” Finn scoffs, “please, Kylo Ren should _thank_ her. I remember hearing rumors around the First Order how terrible the former Supreme Leader was to him. He probably would have killed Kylo before he could take the throne if it wasn’t for Rey.”

 

She gulps and stifles a groan, wishing the conversation would end already _. But what exactly will he do_ , she wonders, _when he sees me again_? She would be lying if she didn’t admit that her recent interactions with the Force didn’t put her on edge about fighting him again. Maybe she just got lucky those first few battles.

 

Or perhaps it was because she was with _him_ during each of those fights.

 

She shoves the notion away. He is nothing to her, as she is to him.

 

“If you will,” Rey speaks softly, causing the others to drop their arguments and turn their attention to her, “please excuse me while I go pack. General, I will meet you at the docking station tomorrow at sunrise.” She turns to walk away, but Finn tries to stop her.

 

“Rey, we—“

 

“I’d like to be alone, right now. Please.” She responds, and dashes to her room as soon as she leaves their sight.

 

 _Not lonely, but alone,_ she thinks again, bitterly, as she locks her door behind her. The last time she felt this alone was on Jakku, right before Finn found her. The last time she _didn’t_ feel this alone was when she was fighting against the Praetorian guards with Ben Solo. Or was it Kylo Ren? Who’s spell had she fallen under?She rubs her eyes tiredly, wishing not for the first time that she could go back to Jakku and never meet BB-8.

 

 _Don’t be ridiculous,_ she inwardly scoffs, _that’s not what you regret._

 

There is only one other person who she could think of that would understand how she feels. There is only one other person who’s friends and family fear them as much as Rey’s friends fear her. There is only one other person that lives to possess this power she can not control. There is only one person who likely hates her as much as she wants to hate them.

 

There is only one person that she can hope will give her another chance.

 

Sighing, she closes her eyes and reaches out.

 

_Ben._

 

 


End file.
